


the only one i ever had

by TheAnswerIsDawn



Category: Ranger's Apprentice - John Flanagan
Genre: Angst, Gen, Mentions of pre-Halt O'Carrick/Pauline DuLacy but it's like barely there, Pre-Battle of Hackham Heath
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 20:41:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29496000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAnswerIsDawn/pseuds/TheAnswerIsDawn
Summary: Four hundred kilometres apart, Halt and Ferris recall the defining moment in their relationship.
Relationships: Ferris O'Carrick & Halt O'Carrick
Comments: 3
Kudos: 19





	the only one i ever had

**Author's Note:**

> So technically this is an extract from a longer fic that's yet to be finished, but it works quite nicely as a standalone, and I'm probably never going to finish the main fic, so there's that.
> 
> Er, mild trigger warning for drowning, I guess, but it's not exactly explicit.

In a castle older than the kingdom it rules over, a boy wakes with a cry in the night, blankets strewn around him in a four poster bed. It is his father’s bed, and he is not yet used to it, the way the shadows lurk in the corners and the drapings on the wall rustle in the draughts. His fingers shake as he lights a candle, but the flickering glow does nothing to dispel the memory of unfathomable disappointment in the depths of two brown eyes, boring into his across a muddy riverbank.

In the morning, he will be unable to bring himself to look his sister in the eye, terrified of seeing the same cold condemnation in her gaze.

(Two days later, he will snap at a courtier for daring to meet his eyes in the throne room. It’s unseemly, he will say, unfitting for the dignity of a King.)

But for now he just shivers, sweat clammy like the breath of a _bean sí_ against his spine, and tries to tell himself that it was necessary for the good of the kingdom, that he will be a good king, a better king. That he has nothing to feel guilty for.

Unfortunately for the kingdom, he mostly succeeds.

\---  
Four hundred kilometres to the east, in a wooden cabin beneath the eaves of a forest, another boy wakes with the memory of water in his lungs and the taste of mud between his teeth. It is dark in the tiny bedroom, the shutters barred tight against the cold, and for long moments in which he gasps and chokes on air that only seems to be getting thinner, he does not remember if this is the dream where he drowns or the reality where he pulled himself out of the water to flop half dead on the riverbank. But the bed beneath him is familiar in its unfamiliarity, and when he sits with a shiver, sweat running clammy as river water in rivulets down his back, he is breathing hard around an ache that is but a memory of itself, settled somewhere deep within his bones.

In the morning, he will blame the persistent ache in his shoulder on the weather, and ride the hill to Castle Redmont with his cloak tucked tight against the rain.

(Lady Pauline smiling at him across the table in the Baron’s study will feel like the sun coming out, and he will not notice the lack of pain until he is riding home, the ghost of a smile still on his lips, and a long missive from Crowley tucked into the front of his jerkin.)

But for now he stirs up the fire and drinks his coffee in long gulps, the heat flooding beneath his ribs to drive out the cold, and does his best to let the bitter-sweetness wash the taste of mud and iron and _grief_ from his tongue.

Fortunately for the Kingdom, he mostly succeeds.

**Author's Note:**

> I have absolutely no idea if Dun Kilty is older than the Kingdom of Clonmel, but given the fact that it's older than Castle Araluen, and the Hibernian kingdoms don't exactly seem very stable, I see no reason why it shouldn't be.


End file.
